Out-of-Sync Gadget Transformed Into Defensive Machine

After the Rangers collective contraption blew a gasket against the Ottawa Senators on October 13, when they gave up 3 goals in 52 seconds, I described them as being “like a rich kid’s rendition of an out-of-sync gadget thrown together for a science class project”. Link to October 13 article.

This description* actually made a Philadelphia Flyers fan (JD FLYGUY) write: “You have no idea how much that made my day. I think I have a new favorite quote. That's pure genius”. Link to JD FLYGUY’s quote (in comments section).

The irony is that after shutting out the Flyers 2-0 tonight, the Rangers seemingly out-of-control science project is beginning to resemble a defensive Frankenstein, which was masterminded by a mad hockey genius.

Having given up only 2 goals in their last 4 games, 8 goals in their last 8 games, and a league low 23 goals in 14 games, the Rangers find themselves as the league’s top defensive team with a GAA of 1.64.

The Rangers, who’ve amazingly also scored a league low 1.78 goals per game, have obviously found the answer to their season-long offensively offensive woes—the best offense is a good defense, combined with a royal goalie (King Henrik Lundquist).

Humorist’s Hindsight: In the NOT DEAD YET category, Brendan Shanahan is trying to bury the October 17 pronouncement by myself and former Rangers statistician, Nomar Goles, that his goal scoring ability is “dead”. Shanahan has scored 3 goals in his last 4 games, including resurrecting his patented one-timer against the Flyers tonight.

In figuratively trying to stay off the “corpses’ cart” that was immortalized in the classic film, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Shanahan has not only proclaimed his goal scoring as being “not dead yet” with his recent surge, but he was also overheard after tonight’s game saying, “I feel happy. I feel happy”.

*The original quote that JD FLYGUY responded to was “like a rich kid’s rendition of a gadget thrown together for a science class project”. I later added “out-of-sync”.

No More Nomar—With Nomar Goles to Tally, Slats' Stats Man Goes Out ... Then Sather Says "Let Seymour Goles Go In"

NEW YORK—New York Rangers general manager, Glen Sather, announced today that team statistician, Nomar Goles, resigned shortly after the Blueshirts 1-0 loss to the Pittsburgh Penguins. The search for his replacement, however, didn’t last very long.

Apparently Goles had been under a lot stress since the Rangers opening night’s 5-2 victory over the Florida Panthers. Since that game, Goles was deeply concerned because the Rangers simply weren’t scoring many.

Having been shutout in two consecutive games, scoring only 8 goals in the last 7 games, and posting a league low 13 goals for the season, the only name the supposedly high-powered Rangers have been living up to is Nomar’s.

According to Goles, he felt personally responsible in some way. “It’s as though my name has put a curse on the whole team. I told Glen (Sather) on Sunday that the team might be better off not having me around. With my brother (who was an unemployed statistician) available and just as technically qualified as me, it seemed like a good idea to make a change,” said Goles.

On Tuesday night, apparently Sather agreed. Having watched Nomar Goles for the past two games, Sather said, “let Seymour Goles go in and hope that we start winning”. And with that, Nomar resigned and his brother, Seymour, immediately was in as the Rangers new statistician.

“It’s all for the best. I felt like the Maytag repairman for much of the season. Not having any work to perform is sometimes harder than having too much. I also took a lot of flack from what happened last week,” Nomar said.

Nomar was referring to having pronounced Brendan Shanahan’s goal scoring ability “dead” last Wednesday. The obituary entitled: R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons was published by the Hockey Humorist on October 17.

As to whether the new team statistician, Seymour Goles, might be willing to alter his brother’s findings on Shanny’s scoring ability, Seymour is uncommitted. “I’ll have my eye on Shanahan’s goal scoring, but I’ll have to see more,” said Seymour.

Meanwhile, Sather remains optimistic that this move will help the Rangers turn their disappointing season around. “Seymour Goles is a name that the whole team can rally around. It will be our new battle cry. Besides, at this point I’ll try just about anything,” said Sather.

Humorist’s Hindsight: Let’s hope that this same-day double play works out better than the last one Sather pulled. After signing both Scott Gomez and Chris Drury within hours of each other on July 1, the yearly $14+ Million dollar duo has combined to average barely over a half a point per game each (9 points in 16 combined games), while showing very little chemistry with their linemates.

I also find it quite interesting that both Nomar Goles and the Hockey Humorist received quite a bit of criticism over what was said in R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons.

Today, Larry Brooks of the New York Post and Dubi Silverstein of the Blueshirt Bulletin both expressed their concerns over whether Shanahan’s age is a factor in Shanny’s scoring decline. Here are the links: Post and Blueshirt Bulletin.

Brooks even quotes some of the same statistics that I used in several of my articles, such as the fact that Shanahan had only “scored six goals in 29 games before his Feb. 17 concussion” last year. Too many Ranger fans either seem to be unaware of these facts or are just ignoring them.

Although Shanahan’s scoring may have stopped, my pursuit of this subject matter will not.

Bruins & Bad Boston Ice Bounce by Blueshirts as Slap Shots Strike Down Straka

BOSTON—Despite a much improved team effort, strong defensive play and another stellar performance by goaltender, Henrik Lundquist, the Rangers never got the bounce they needed (and deserved) while losing 1-0 in a shootout to the Boston Bruins.

Ordinarily the story of 1-0 shootout would be that neither goalie, Lundquist or Manny Fernandez, allowed a goal during regulation or overtime. Or perhaps it would be about the game-winning shootout goal scored by Bruins forward, Phil Kessel. However, this was no ordinary game—thanks to the maintenance crew at the TD Banknorth Garden.

Either the Garden maintenance crew never found out about the time change for today’s hockey game (from 7 pm to 4 pm) or they donated their services all day to the Boston Red Sox in preparation for night’s playoff game at Fenway Park.

Regardless of the reason, when the referee and players were ready for the drop of the puck at 4 pm, the Garden ice certainly was not. All game long (for both teams) the puck hopped, skipped, rolled and bounced over sticks, skates and everything else. In fact, during the waning seconds of regulation time, one bizarre ricochet off the boards went right through the Boston goal-mouth and nearly deflected off Fernandez into the net.

Icy gravel would have provided a better playing surface than that cold, chippy concoction of crap on which the Rangers and Bruins were forced to skate. The puck, which wouldn’t sit down or cooperate for anyone, acted like a stubborn, untrained dog who needed a good smack on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

To put this issue in its proper perspective, today’s ice in Boston was equal or worse than the most horrid ice conditions I’ve ever witnessed at Madison Square Garden. Given that I’ve been a Rangers fan since the early 1970’s, this is an indication of how outrageous and insulting it was to watch today’s game.

Adding injury to insult, Rangers forward, Martin Straka, received an unfortunate break after bravely blocking two blasts off the big stick of Bruins defenseman, Zdeno Chara. According to the Rangers team-owned (or NHL owned—depending on who wins the lawsuit) website, Straka broke a finger on his right hand.

This is especially bad news for a struggling Rangers team that is already playing without injured forwards, Sean Avery and Marcel Hossa, and who have scored a league low 13 goals.

Despite Straka’s injury, the Rangers outplayed Boston for most of the game. After holding the Bruins at bay through three first period Boston power plays, the Blueshirts outshot the Bruins 22 to 10 the rest of the way.

This game was certainly close enough that under normal ice conditions, it is very possible the Rangers might have lost anyway. On the other hand, the Rangers might have prevailed and picked up both very-needed points. It’s a shame that a fair outcome hit a bad patch of Boston ice and hopped out of everyone’s collective reach.

With the talent-laden Pittsburgh Penguins up next for the Rangers, it will take bounces and breaks of another kind to prevent the Blueshirts from falling three games under NHL .500 this early in the season.

Big Scoop Needed to Clean-Up Blueshirts' Bullshit After Blueland Blowout

ATLANTA—Bottom-feeding Atlanta was the latest team to “kick the crap” out of the Rangers … and boy did it stink!

Bolstered by boisterous Blueland* boosters, the Thrashers thoroughly throttled the Rangers throughout tonight’s tilt. The game’s final score of 5-3 was no indication of how one-sided it was for 50 minutes.

Although one could say that Rangers goaltender, Henrik Lundquist, was good enough to keep the Rangers in the game early, it is a moot point because the Rangers didn’t bother to show up for the game at all.

Before the Rangers finally exerted themselves midway through the third period, Atlanta had already built an insurmountable 4-0 lead on goals by Pascal Dupruis, Slava Koslov, Todd White and Bryan Little. Marian Hossa later added the fifth Thrasher goal.

Third period goals by Dan Girardi, Brendan Shanahan** and Scott Gomez would have given the Rangers a respectable result, if they hadn’t just lost to an Atlanta team who came into the game with a record of 0-6-0 and a league worst 4.50 goals against average.

In reality the Rangers play dropped another level, going from the gutter to the sewer.

In trying to direct blame at specific Ranger players, the human body unfortunately doesn’t have enough fingers (or toes) to accomplish the task. But one player who simply cannot escape my finger’s poke is Rangers defenseman, Thomas Pock.

Pock, perpetually posing as a practice pylon, proved to be the perfect replacement for much-maligned, Marek Malik. Although Pock had his share of giveaways (with at least one egregious offender), he probably didn’t quite match Malik’s nightly quota. This, however, was only because Pock was too busy watching Thrashers skate around him all night, while letting other Thrashers plant themselves in front of the net as goals were being scored.

Overall, Pock had a minus 2 rating for the evening and was on the ice for 3 of Atlanta’s 5 goals.

Even the three late Ranger power play goals weren’t much consolation for the Blueshirts special teams, because the Rangers managed to give up 2 power play goals and a short-handed goal themselves.

This chemistry experiment is quickly turning into a dismal failure, while mad professors, Tom Renney and Glen Sather, desperately continue their search for the missing combination of ingredients. Should they fail to find the winning formula, the Rangers laboratory will soon be boarded-up and declared a disaster area by New York governor, Eliot Spitzer.

*Blueland is the nickname for Atlanta’s home rink, Philips Arena.

Humorist’s Hindsight: **That was no misprint—Brendan Shanahan actually scored a goal. This just goes to show you that even an old, broken clock is right twice a day. Now should Shanny net another 25 or 30 goals this season, I will be happy to issue a public apology over my last post entitled: R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons.

R.I.P.—Shanahan’s Scoring Succumbs to Old Age After 19+ Seasons

NEW YORK—Brendan Shanahan’s goal scoring ability has died after more than 19 highly successful seasons in the NHL.

The attending statistician, Nomar Goles, pronounced Shanahan’s scoring “dead” after a final but futile effort to resuscitate it during the waning moments of the Rangers 3-1 defeat to Ottawa last Saturday.

“Mr. Shanahan’s goal scoring ability had been in a steady state of decline for nearly a year now,” said Goles.

In his final 38 regular season games of 2006-2007, Shanahan scored only 7 goals on 154 shots—a shooting percentage of 4.5%. In this season’s first 5 games, Shanahan has scored 0 goals on 32 shots, including a goalless 13 shot performance against Ottawa on his “goal scoring deathbed” last Saturday.

“At the end, his vital statistics showed no signs of life,” said Goles.

Goles was also quick to point out that Shanahan’s concussion from last year was not a contributing factor to his scoring demise. According to Goles, in the 29 games preceding the concussion Shanahan had only scored 6 goals on 116 shots—a shooting percentage of 5.2%.

“This was just a matter of age finally catching up to a great former goal scorer,” Goles said somberly.

Shanahan’s scoring is survived by 627 regular season NHL goals and 58 NHL playoff goals. No final arrangements for his hockey sticks have been announced.

Humorist’s Hindsight: I want to make it crystal clear that the obituary (above) was figuratively referring to the “goal scoring ability” of Brendan Shanahan. It was not in any way meant to be a literal obituary for the man, Shanahan, who is physically alive and healthy.

Furthermore, I admire Shanahan as a person and still in some ways as a player. He is not only a class act, but also a great leader in the locker room, a hard working player, and a formerly great goal scorer. I wish him a long, healthy and happy life after his playing days are over.

As a Rangers fan, however, I’m hoping that his playing days are over ASAP. As the statistics prove, his goal scoring ability (at least in the regular season) has virtually disappeared since December 9, 2006.

Also, since he has been on Broadway, Shanahan has showed no chemistry with Jagr, Prucha, Gomez, or Drury—thus ruining most lines on which he’s played. Because he also can’t score on the power play and nobody is scoring goals on defections or rebounds off his power play shot, he has no business being on either power play unit.

Shanahan’s outrageously inflated salary this season of $5.3 million is a cap crippling calamity, whose effects will be felt both this season and next. With a little luck, maybe Shanny has been talking with Chuck (Charles Schwab) about structuring a “Retirement Plan for Old Man Shanahan”. And if Shanahan is the team-first person that he claims to be, then he will implement that retirement plan before his bonus sets in, because that course of action is truly in the best interest of the team.

Combustible Chemistry Causes Rangers to Self-In-Sen-erate in 52 Seconds

NEW YORK — In one of the oddest reported occurrences of spontaneous human combustion, 19* men simultaneously blew up in front of over 18,000 horrified witnesses.

Although the entire explosive event took less than a minute, one scientist, who happened to be on hand, had a handle on how it happened.

“Whenever you combine very potent and efficient Canadian firepower with MSG ice, sloppy defensive play and too many new player combinations, there is always a small chance of having this kind of freakish result,” said Korean chemical engineer Yu B. Sik.

Fortunately, since the fireworks finished so fast, the fire department never had to be called. Although Ranger head coach, Tom Renney, was unavailable for comment, Brendan Shanahan took “a shot” at giving the players’ explanation for the Manhattan Meltdown. Unfortunately, like all of his other shots this year, Shanahan was off target with his comments—missing the microphone by a good two feet.

Amazingly, despite the horrific happenstance, all 19* players survived and are expected to be in the lineup Thursday against Atlanta.

*I gave backup goalie, Stephen Valiquette, an exemption because he didn’t play. However, this is only an honorary exemption, because had Valiquette been in net, things might have gotten worse yet.

Humorist’s Hindsight: Let’s face it. Even if the Rangers hadn’t self-imploded by giving up 3 goals in that minute of misery, they had no chance against the vastly superior Senators. Ottawa was so clearly the better team in every phase of the game. This includes being bigger, faster, more skilled, quicker to the puck, more physical, having a better transition game, etc.

At this point Ottawa is like a well-oiled, fine-tuned industrial machine, while the Rangers are like a rich kid’s rendition of an out-of-sync gadget thrown together for a science class project. It seems hard to believe that in the next 6 months the Rangers are going to be able to catch up with their Canadian counterparts.

It also doesn’t help that the Rangers have next to nothing left in the salary cap kitty with which to purchase any meaningful machine parts before the trade deadline.

At the moment, I can only think of 2 funny aspects to the Rangers slow start to the season:

1. That anyone could have seriously believed the Rangers were Stanley Cup contenders, given that they will almost certainly have to get past Ottawa in the playoffs, and
2. That Glen Sather shelled out over $5 million to Brendan Shanahan this season, believing that he was still a formidable goal scorer—despite all the contrary evidence over Shanahan’s last 38 regular season games of 2006-2007. Details of Shanahan's "sinking ship of a scoring shot" from last season are found in the middle of this August 3rd article.

With 5 more goalless games to start this season, Shanny’s Fanny is going to get an “old” fashioned, verbal butt kicking by the Hockey Humorist in posts that will appear sometime before Thursday’s game in Atlanta.

Cap-Strapped Rangers De-Cap-itate Cap-Happy Caps

Although the final score of 3-1 might not be indicative of de-Cap-itation, the Rangers total domination over the first two periods (in puck control, shots on goal and scoring chances) certainly does.

Besides, I’ve been waiting all summer to use this headline, and with only 3 games left against Washington, I might not have had another chance to use it this season.

For the Record: The salary cap numbers that I used for writing the above headline are accurate. According to NHLSCAP.com, the Rangers currently (before the potential signing of Dave Scatchard) are the fifth tightest cap team in the NHL, while the Capitals are the second loosest cap team in the NHL.

Humorist’s Hindsight: Mrs. Nylander may have escaped her Edmonton exile and Michael may have Cap-italized with an overpriced and over-extended four year contract (taking him past retirement age), but the Nylanders will never hoist the Stanley Cup. Despite their improved roster, Washington is just not going to be a prime time playoff performer.

Speaking of retirement, don’t you think it’s about time for Stan Fischler? By doing the unthinkable—simultaneously rooting for and appearing on the telecasts of the Rangers, Devils and Islanders—he’s made me sick to my stomach for years. But his comment on today’s MSG telecast should have had Rangers fans replacing their Rodent TV bricks with Fischler Barf Bags.

Fischler actually made a serious comment about expecting Ryan Hollweg to become a consistent goal scorer. I’ve checked with the local bookies and the odds of Hollweg achieving this science fictional leap of logic is listed right next to the odds of the following two scenarios: 1) Christian Dube and the Ferraro twins making a 2007 comeback for the Blueshirts, and 2) hell freezing over before the Ottawa game.

Rumor has it that the three ex-Rangers and Hades have had more takers than Hollweg.

For those who have wondered what happened to the Hockey Humorist over the past two months, the answer is two-fold. I simply don’t have the time anymore to write those long-winded, amusing, fact-filled, opinionated, semi-fictional stories.

Also, notwithstanding the loyal readers who enjoyed and understood my humor, it became obvious that most hockey fans are looking for facts, opinions and arguments, instead of laughs.

That having been said, I’ve decided to re-emerge with a change in format. I still intend to offer my opinions, while using facts to support them. And I still intend to focus on unique and amusing angles of NHL hockey (especially pertaining to the Rangers), while leaving the other traditional blogs and websites to provide you with most of your information. The difference is that I’m going to write in shorter snippets, as opposed to verbose storytelling.

With a Time Machine and a Therapist—May Rangers Have Run Ruff-Shot Over Sabres

The following morsel - reshaped, recooked and reflavored by the imagination and slightly warped mind of The Hockey Humorist – was inspired by an original idea of the esteemed Hockey Rabbi.

It’s mid-August in the dead of summer with NHL activity nearly frozen still. At this time of the year hockey fans have two choices: either look ahead to next season at what might be, or look back to last season at what might have been. For the moment I propose that Ranger fans do the latter…

FLASHBACK! Madison Square Garden—May 1, 2007 at 9:44 PM. It was the most pivotal time of the entire roller coaster season—smack in the middle of an excruciatingly exciting, see-saw playoff series between the Rangers and Sabres. In dramatic fashion the Rangers had just evened up the series at 2 games a piece, when a controversial no-goal decision in the waning seconds allowed the Rangers to cling to victory by the “skin of their crease”.

Following game 4, Sabres head coach, Lindy Ruff, looked lost, and the answers he was searching for were not coming easily. How had his Presidents’ Trophy winning team dropped two straight games to a team who hadn’t beaten his squad all year long? Why was his offense, who could seemingly score at will during the regular season, having so much trouble lighting the lamp against the Blueshirts? What were the Rangers doing defensively to slow down his team’s warp-speed skating skills?

If the Sabres swords were silenced for good over the next two games, how would he ever be able to show his face in the city of Buffalo again—especially when the Sabre fans considered the 2007 Stanley Cup to be their entitlement? And finally, what could he possibly do to turn the tide when his ship and the series seemed to be sailing off into the sunset without the Sabres onboard?

Trying to put his best face forward, Ruff’s spoke optimistically—but he wasn’t fooling anyone. Ruff, who even later admitted the Rangers had “scared them to death”, was clearly a man in trouble that needed professional help.

It was at this fork on the road to the Stanley Cup, when the super-series met the super-natural. As Ruff exited the Garden, he was greeted by some eerily familiar music and two cabbies—one of whom bore a striking resemblance to the late Rod Serling, while the other was … NHL commissioner, Gary Bettman?

Bettman, trying to lure Ruff into his cab, attempted the best Yellow Medallion Taxicab driver impersonation he could muster up—but like most of Bettman’s endeavors to raise revenues (even one as simple as collecting taxi fare), all he did was screw it up. So given the choice between riding with a live, incompetent commissioner or a dead, neurotic writer/director, Lindy made the same choice that any sane hockey fan, player, or coach would have made—Ruff rode with Rod.

As this strange pair drove into the night, Serling began to explain to Ruff that many of the characters in his classic sci-fi/fantasy TV series faced similar dilemmas to the one that Ruff was now facing. And just when they were at the crossroads in their respective lives, these characters would unlock their proverbial doors “with the key of imagination”. Often, they would find their way and their answers by experiencing new places, new cultures and new ways of thinking.

Serling told him that now, through the dimensions of space, time, mind, and hockey blogs, Ruff will be rewarded with this kind of life changing (and possibly series changing) opportunity. As Serling stepped on the gas, the car and its two passengers were transported through some type of worm-hole in the space-time continuum. Once he saw the signpost up ahead, Ruff knew he had cleared Manhattan and had just crossed over into The Twilight Zone.

Serling dropped Ruff off in front of a synagogue, whose location could have been any city in the country. It was here that he was met by none other than our own Hockey Rabbi. Lindy’s first impressions of him were quite positive, as the Hockey Rabbi seemed to have a calming influence on the ruffled and riled Ruff.

As the two men walked towards the Hockey Rabbi’s office, Ruff couldn’t help but notice how those around him seemed at peace with their culture and their lives. Although he had no idea how far he was from Madison Square Garden, Lindy’s mind seemed to be a million miles away from the turmoil he had left behind.

Once in the Hockey Rabbi’s office, Ruff (noticeably more comfortable) laid across the sofa with his feet up on its side. He began pouring out all of his troubles to the Hockey Rabbi. He spoke about how his seemingly invincible team was proving to be very vulnerable, and that he was having trouble handling the burden that came with the fans and media having such high expectations for the Sabres.

The Hockey Rabbi responded with a quote from the Talmud (one of Judaism’s holiest works): “The burden is equal to the horse's strength”.

Ruff said that the strategies which had worked all season long were no longer working. He kept asking himself whether he should make changes or stay with the system that had been so successful. The Hockey Rabbi countered with the Yiddish saying: “Better ask ten times than go astray once”.

Then Lindy confided in the Hockey Rabbi by sharing his biggest fear of all—self doubts about his ability as a coach and whether he had what it took to overcome such adversity. Turning back to the Talmud, the Hockey Rabbi said, “Doubt cannot override a certainty”.

As the Hockey Rabbi addressed each of Ruff’s issues, Lindy’s spirits soared while his confidence climbed. Just as Serling had suggested, this previously unfamiliar culture and way of thought gave Ruff the fresh perspective that he needed. Empowered by his new found wisdom, Lindy was all smiles now as he noshed on a knish (snacked on a potato pancake).

By the end of the session, he was in Olam Haba (Heaven—sort of). The therapeutic breakthrough led the two men to perform an extremely vigorous, celebratory “Hava Nageela” type dance in the middle of the Hockey Rabbi’s office.

During the dance, Ruff’s athleticism became apparent as his powerful legs kicked over racks of books, the Hockey Rabbi’s souvenir hockey pucks, the knish and its dish, and everything else that got in the way of Lucky Lindy’s size 12 shoes. Ruff gave the Hockey Rabbi such naches (fatherly pride) for all that he had achieved in such a short time.

The next day, after traveling (with Serling) back through the worm-hole and meeting up with his team in Buffalo, the rejuvenated Ruff knew exactly what to do. The first order of business was to have the Sabre players replace their hockey helmets with Sabre-themed yarmulkes (skullcaps or beanies), which left the team scratching their heads—and not because of itchy material.

The next course of action was to change the menu at the HSBC arena for game 5. All beer was replaced by varieties of Manischewitz wine. All ice-cream was served in a Cohn. Popcorn was replaced by grebenes, French fries replaced by potato latkes, etc. As far as hot dogs were concerned—no problem. But Ruff made sure that the HSBC management and their purveyors answered to a “higher authority”, and only kosher hot dogs would be placed in their challah (Jewish bread) buns.

Just before the opening face-off for game 5, everything was looking rozewe (rosy) for Ruff. That is until Lindy received some really Ruff news from a Sabre team official— the Hockey Rabbi wasn’t a real Rabbi at all. In fact, he’s an attorney who is of all things: A RANGER FAN!

Apparently Sabre surveillance tapes (of game 4 at MSG) showed the Hockey Rabbi in the seats behind the Ranger bench, wearing a Jaromir Jagr jersey and passing out business cards—thus “spilling the beans” on this buttinski (a derogatory Slovak slang word for attorney).

Ruff was shocked, utterly panicked and once again lost. Lindy proceeded to botch every conceivable coaching maneuver and strategy over the next two games. Among other things, he continuously mismatched line combinations, repeatedly received bench minors for too many men on the ice, and was frequently overheard calling all his players either Scheider, Halpern, or Cammalleri—the last names of the only Jewish hockey players in the NHL.

At the end of this fiasco with the Sabres being humiliated and eliminated in 6 games, Ruff’s mind (along with the Sabres patience for his blunders) finally snapped—leading to a complete mental breakdown.

All kinds of thoughts started racing through Ruff’s head, such as: Did Serling set me up? Was I just the butt-end of a posthumous, surreal Serling reality show? Instead, should I have boarded with Bettman? What am I thinking—how could anyone rely on Bettman? I must be crazy for even considering it! What’s happening to me? How could the season have collapsed so suddenly?...

At the press conference that followed game 6, Ruff was in no condition to speak to the media. He was, however, sitting within earshot of the press conference under a doctor’s supervision. Dehydrated and hungry, the doctor had given Ruff a bowl of chicken soup. Why chicken soup? Well, for one “it couldn’t hurt”—and besides Ruff was not in the frame of mind to realize the cultural significance of his meal.

On the podium, Buffalo GM, Darcy Regier, addressed the media and told them that Ruff was suffering from a rare condition called Neuro-Hockrabitis. Regier tried to ease the concerns of the media, team and fans by reassuring everyone that the Sabres were sending Ruff to the best clinic in the world for this rare condition. This would take Ruff’s mind completely away from the past week’s events. After the media naturally asked where the clinic was, Regier innocently answered, “Jerusalem”.

Immediately as Ruff overheard the location of his impending medical treatment and convalescence, the entire week’s nightmare replayed through his head. As the image of Serling entered his thoughts, that eerie music started playing again and just as quickly as he had entered it, Lindy abruptly exited The Twilight Zone…

BACK TO REALITY - As you obviously know, Lindy Ruff never saw the Hockey Rabbi on that fateful day in early May. Instead he gathered himself, regrouped his team and led them to a 6 game victory in the series over the gallant, but overmatched Rangers. However, as is often the case in dreams, there was a “kernel of truth” in the fantasy we just experienced.

It turns out that the Hockey Rabbi does offer his services to those people (who after living through the Rangers-Sabres playoff series) are in most in need of it. Who might that be? Why the Ranger fans of course.

The Hockey Rabbi would be happy to provide a personal consultation with any Ranger fan…for $400 per hour. What!!! $400 per hour??? Remember, I told you that he was an attorney, not a therapist nor a real rabbi. In fact, I understand that a group of Ranger fans are paying the Hockey Rabbi quite handsomely to file a lawsuit on behalf of Henrik Lundquist (against his teammates) for lack of support in game 6.

Naturally this might invoke from you the usual series of lawyer jokes, such as the “Lawyers take everything joke” - A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: "Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!" The defendant answered, "No, we won." ­­­Or perhaps you prefer—Question: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? Answer: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer. And so forth and so on…

But never one to allow himself to be holding the short end of the hockey stick, the Hockey Rabbi’s response would probably be: "Zolst farliren aleh tseyner achitz eynm, un dos zol dir vey ton". What does that mean? Never mind, but I can assure you, he just got even!

However, before you jump to conclusions about the Hockey Rabbi, you should know that he is quite generous in many ways. For openers, he asked nothing in return for giving me the original idea that was twistingly morphed into this post (thus earning him the post’s primary assist).

Also, if you go to http://www.hockeyrabbi.typepad.com/, he will treat you 24 hours a day (365 days a year—except on the Sabbath and other Jewish holidays) to wisdom, insight and commentary about the New York Rangers and the rest of the league—AT NO CHARGE!

A Metziah! (Such a Deal!)

For the Record: There is no lawsuit being filed by The Hockey Rabbi against the Rangers players or organization. He is a real estate attorney, who charges reasonable fees for his services. The non-translated insult at the end of the post is a real Yiddish insult that roughly translates as: "May you lose all your teeth but one, and may that one ache.” Also, it is unknown whether Lindy Ruff actual wears size 12 shoes.

Finally, I want to clarify that in the dream sequence of my story, Lindy Ruff’s fictional character was portrayed as embracing the Jewish culture. Ruff’s character freaked out because once he discovered that The Hockey Rabbi was a Ranger fan, he realized that he had been mentored by someone who was rooting against his team. The character’s reaction was not intended to be a display of anti-Semitism.

Will the Rangers go 'All the Way'?—Size Does Matter

In addition to staying True Blue to my tagline of “Shooting From Angles Not Covered By Any Other Blogs”, I am going to be just a little forward and fire my rubber load (so to speak) in the direction of a subject that I have yet to see mentioned on any Ranger blogs, websites, message boards, newspapers or magazines. And if this subject has been covered in any of the aforementioned forms of “social intercourse”, its coverage has been scanty.

While the main focus continues to be (and justifiably so) on the Rangers sizzling summer, double-dip splash into the UFA pool—A.K.A. Scott Gomez and Chris Drury—other ubiquitous Ranger topics include:

1. Draft day’s Russian Heist (Alexei Cherapanov),
2. The relatively peaceful signings of Henrik Lundquist, Brendan Shanahan, Petr Prucha and Marcel Hossa,
3. The signing of Sean Avery after an ornery arbitration hearing (and its long-term consequences),
4. The trading of Matt Cullen and who his replacement will be,
5. The potential impact of Marc Staal and other highly touted prospects,
6. What will become of the current glut of defensemen and how the defense corps will ultimately pan out,
7. General opinions on the Rangers chances of winning the Stanley Cup, etc.

What never seems to be brought up is a very simple question: Are the Rangers physically equipped to be capable of winning the Stanley Cup? One of the reasons this potent poser should be a timely one is the urge that some of the league has had to enlarge since the events of last spring.

Once the Anaheim Ducks consummated their season with hockey’s ultimate gratification, the Stanley Cup, some NHL teams have chosen to “go with the flow” and mimic the mighty Ducks. This was evident in the 2007 entry draft, where some teams refused to succumb to the temptation of raw talent, and instead decided to reload their pistols with brawnier ammunition. After all, in this copy-cat league the physically dominant Ducks have become the envy of all their gamey rivals in the hunt for next year’s big prize.

One might argue that the league’s rules favor fast, skilled teams—not necessarily big ones, and Anaheim’s championship was more an aberration as opposed to the beginning of a new trend. This argument would be supported by the fact that no Stanley Cup winner has repeated in 10 years, and that historically a size advantage in the playoffs doesn’t necessarily become the deciding factor.

The Philadelphia Flyers, in their Bobby Clarke days, are the probably the best examples. On the other hand, had the Flyers actually added an elite goalie to the mix for many of these years, their physicality might have been the force that carried them over the top to lift Lord Stanley’s Cup.

The biggest difference between today’s hefty hockey teams and those of yesteryear is that some of the current NHL teams, namely Anaheim and San Jose, have a frightening combination of size, strength, speed and youth. Anyone, who was watching the Detroit-San Jose series, would have bet the family fish tank after game 3 that the Sharks were going to swim away with this one.

But despite being seemingly over-aged, out-muscled, out-skated and out-matched for much of the first 3 games, Detroit proved in a stunning 3 game turnaround that a “strength of character” advantage can sometimes offset an entire host of physical deficiencies. Should the Sharks be able to overcome their character issues this year, their daunting endowment of assets might make them the favorites to sink their teeth into the Cup.

Anaheim is dealing with a number off-season issues often encountered by defending Stanley Cup champions, such as players contemplating retirement and an increase in their players’ perceived value (and salary demands). This often leads to the loss of some players, who are lured away by other teams willing to overpay for their services.

So depending on how things shake out for Anaheim, they could be headed for a fall this spring. On the other hand, should Anaheim eventually be able to get their Ducks in a row without ruffling too many of their franchise feathers, they will be every bit as formidable as they were last year.

What about the Rangers? As much as I enjoyed their brilliant resurrection late last season, which climaxed with an improbable surge to the playoffs and a first round thumping of a throttled Thrasher team, I knew that they realistically had no chance of “going all the way”. Although the Rangers inevitable encounter with the Buffalo proved to be a much closer contest than I could have ever anticipated, ultimately they were destined to succumb to the Sabres wealth of weapons.

But even if the Rangers could have pulled off the humongous upset against Buffalo and had the stamina to outlast the Senators (in what would have been a tough and evenly matched series), their bubble would certainly have burst against a physically superior Western Conference foe.

In the playoffs, much of a team’s success depends upon which opponents they are pitted against and how well they match-up against them. The Rangers had plenty of skill and speed, but not nearly as much as Buffalo.

The Rangers certainly had enough size and grit to physically stand up to any Eastern Conference team that made the tournament, but not nearly enough to withstand the perpetual pounding that they would have received at the hands of the Ducks or Sharks. Had the Rangers encountered either of these teams in the Finals, they would have been eaten alive—as Duck soup for Anaheim or as Shark bait for San Jose.

In fact, the Rangers were fortunate that Philadelphia and Toronto didn’t make the playoffs last year. In the regular season, even though the Rangers could compete with these teams, it was obvious that both the Flyers and Leafs were more broadly built than the Blueshirts. Had the Rangers faced either squad in the post season, they would have had trouble holding their own in hit-for-hit hockey.

Of course, the more drawn-out a series becomes and the further into the playoffs the match-up occurs, the more difficult it is for a smaller team to cope with the carnage inflicted by their colossal counterparts. This means that the Rangers would have a better chance of surviving this kind of clash had it occurred in the first or second round, as opposed to the final two rounds.

Relatively also enters into this equation. Certainly a team can more easily overcome a disadvantage, if the disadvantage is a minor or moderate one. A real mismatch can arise when one team has substantial supremacy in size, speed, or skill.

As teams continue to assemble the off-season pieces to their respective puzzles, it’s hard to say for certain how much of a relative advantage/disadvantage each club will have next year in the desirable attributes of size, speed, and skill. We won’t know the answers until each team’s internal competitions have been decided in league-wide training camps and all their final transactions have been made.

Aside from particular line combinations and defensemen pairings, the Rangers really have only a few spots that remain in question. I'm assuming that Ryan Callahan and Daniel Girardi have completed their post graduation requirements from the Hartford Academy and will remain in New York, along with two year veteran, Hossa. That leaves only one center position, a couple of fourth line positions, and one or two defense positions remaining in limbo (assuming no further trades).

Therefore, we have a pretty good picture of how the Rangers breakdown in some of the key physical categories. They would appear to have good (but not excellent) team speed and plenty of skill that would probably allow them to stay competitive (in this sense) with just about any team in the playoffs—especially since the Sabres machine lost two of their main cogs in Briere and Drury.

Although the Rangers parted with a very speedy center in Matt Cullen and a very skilled center in Michael Nylander, they picked up two very fast centers in Gomez and Drury—with Gomez possessing excellent playmaking skills and Drury bringing a host of intangible qualities (one of which bit the Blueshirts in the butt in game 5 of the Sabres series).

As far as size and strength goes, they’re simply not among the Rangers strong suits—notwithstanding a couple of players whose physical force could potentially wear down their playoff opponents, such as Jaromir Jagr and Hossa.

This is not to say that the Blueshirts don’t have some gritty players, as well as some other players (aside from Jagr and Hossa) of impressive stature—at least 6’1” and over 210 lbs. It’s just that Shanahan, Marik Malik and Paul Mara don’t play a physical style that wears down the opposition, while Colton Orr and Jason Strudwick are fringe players who are often not dressed.

Brad Isbister, whose offensive capabilities could never be confused with Joe Thornton’s, did provide the Rangers with some well-needed bulk late last season and in the playoffs. His ability to work the boards, cycle the puck and compliment Jagr made him an effective player, and in that sense, he will be missed.

I should also mention that if the question mark at center is answered by Brandon Dubinsky, then on top of the other talents he brings to the table, his ponderous proportions and feistiness would definitely be a welcomed addition to the team.

Overall, I would say that the Rangers could physically endure a playoff series against most teams, but would very likely get blown away by the power of some of the jumbo jets they could engage in battle.

The reason that I’ve barely touched upon the “joys of youth” is because a Stanley Cup championship team is generally composed of a nice blend of young bucks and wily vets. Next season, the Rangers will probably have the right mixture of those ingredients.

Perhaps the most important factor in determining whether the Rangers have a chance to “win it all” is chance itself. Who knows if the elements that GM, Glen Sather, compounds will result in good chemistry? Who knows how healthy the team will be, especially heading into the playoffs? Who knows if a topsy-turvy season will be topsy or turvy in late April? And finally, who knows in the pursuit of the ultimate conquest, what sequence of opponents will need to be conquered?

So with size being one of many uncertain variables, will Lady Luck scorn the Rangers for their physical shortcomings? Or will the Rangers have the goods to get the gold (silver in this case)?

These answers will go a long way in determining how deeply they can penetrate into the big dance come next spring. The final score will either show the Rangers living large as Stanley Cup champions, or being pre-maturely humbled as inadequate also-rans.

Postscript: Should the Rangers surmount all the obstacles and defy all the odds this season to hoist hockey’s Holy Grail, then next summer they would be wise to beware of invaders from the Great White North (Edmonton). For if “Kevin the Poacher” aims his next Lowe blow at the Rangers family jewels, they must prepare themselves by defending their Cup.

How Sather 'Dropped His Briefs' to Let Sean Avery Escape .... In a White Ford Bronco???

In the worst jurisprudence blunder since the Simpson prosecutors allowed O.J. to handle his own gloves on the witness stand in the 1995 “Trial of the Century”, Rangers general manager Glen Sather has made a “bloody mess” of the entire Sean Avery affair.

Please understand that I’m not trying to equate the injustice of a double homicide with the incompetence of a poorly executed contract negotiation, as this would be highly insensitive to the homicide victims and their families. However, there are two scarcely mentioned (yet undeniable) links between the New York Rangers and O.J. Simpson.

The first part of this irrevocable bond occurred on June 17, 1994, when just hours after the Rangers and their fans celebrated the recent Stanley Cup victory with a downtown ticker tape parade, Simpson & Co. (inside the White Ford Bronco) began their historic “slow speed chase” with the LAPD.

The second (more indirect) link was that the insatiable public appetite for anything and everything Simpson-related after June 17, along with the accompanying “media circus”, forced Sports Illustrated to place Simpson’s police mug shot on the front cover of their next issue. This is a spot that SI was unquestionably reserving for the story about how the Rangers had finally ended their 54 year curse (1940-1994).

And speaking of curses (while getting back to Avery), if Rangers fans thought that the 54 year hex was a “bitch to bear”, it might be nothing compared to what awaits them after next summer. Because at that time (barring a miraculous and unlikely reconciliation), Avery, who is already known on the ice as trash-talking, vindictive, contentious and the “most hated player in NHL” (as voted on by his peers), will hit the UFA market.

Armed with a rolling bank vault instead of a shopping cart, Avery will enter the market with a chip on his shoulder the size of Mount Everest, along with a venomous vendetta aimed directly at Sather and (by default) his entire organization. And the most unfortunate aspect to this entire debacle is that it could have been so easily avoided—several different ways.

The first way Sather could have avoided the Avery ordeal focuses on the root cause of the problem—which is the Rangers tight salary cap numbers. When Slats signed premier UFAs, Scott Gomez and Chris Drury, for a combined $14.4 million per cap year, it put a noose around the Rangers “cap collar”. The “cap collar” has been tightened a notch by each additional signing with only the Matt Cullen trade providing any slack.

It’s far too early to judge the Gomez/Drury signings with so many factors to be determined down the road, such as: how well the two play on Broadway, how much longer some of the other highly paid veterans play, how well the Rangers low-salaried prospects pan out over the next few years, how the salary cap upper limit fluctuates in upcoming years, etc.

I also can’t find fault with the signings of Prucha, Lundquist and Hossa, as the cap realities in addition to the three players wanting to be part of this year’s potential Cup run, allowed all parties to come to fairly amicable, short term resolutions.

There is one glaring exception here—Brendan Shanahan. Don’t get me wrong, I love Shanahan as much as the next Rangers fan, and I’m delighted that he’s back with the team. He provides leadership, character, professionalism, team spirit, versatility, endless hustle, and even occasional goals. Occasional? I will clarify this with cold, hard facts.

After his stellar scoring stampede of the first 29 games (22 goals on 141 shots, 15.6% SP), Shanahan’s scoring stumbled sharply in the next 29 games (6 goals on 116 shots, 5.2% SP). These are his pre-concussion stats. In the final 9 games of the season, he scored 1 goal on 38 shots with a 2.6% SP—giving him a total of 7 goals on 154 shots (4.5% SP) over his last 38 regular season games.

One could argue that he is a streaky player who was in a slump—but for 38 games (29 pre-concussion) I don’t buy it. Notwithstanding a fine 5 goal (12.2% SP in 10 games) playoff performance, which I admit does give me a little bit of reservation here, it would seem that Shanahan’s days as a 40-50 goal scorer are behind him.

Furthermore, Shanahan didn’t show particularly good chemistry with several linemates (Prucha being the most glaring), nor with Jagr on the Power Play. Far too often Shanahan’s presence on a line caused his linemates to focus primarily on feeding him the puck for his classic one-timers—which is just fine—if he scores on them a lot more than the 4.5% of the time he did over the last 38 regular season games.

My point is that at age 38 (soon to be 39) Shanahan has become somewhere between a valuable role player and a star, and he should be paid accordingly. Much to his credit, Shanahan didn’t want to talk to other teams, so he could be part of a potentially special Ranger squad this year. Given that he essentially said he would do anything that made financial sense for the Rangers to help accomplish this goal, it seems to me that $5.3 million ($2.5 counting towards this year’s cap) is ridiculously high.

At most he should have received the $4 million ($2 million salary & $2 million bonus) he earned last year, or even $3 million ($1.5 million salary & $1.5 million bonus). Had Sather paid Shanahan reasonably, he would have had another $500,000 to $1 million of salary cap room this year that could easily have been sent Avery’s way to avoid any arbitration and the ensuing consequences.

In fact, if it ever came down to prioritizing between Avery and Shanahan (in this stage of their careers), I’d choose Avery. The Rangers went 17-6-6 with Avery in the lineup. In games that Avery played and Shanahan didn’t, the Rangers went 8-3-4. In games that Shanahan played and Avery didn’t, the Rangers went 25-24-4.

Certainly a stingier defense and sharper goaltending were big factors in the Rangers surge to the playoffs, but Avery was perhaps the biggest single factor in the Rangers remarkable turnaround last season. As Larry Brooks of the New York Post wrote it in this article, Avery added “a jagged edge to a team that had been way too smooth for its own good the first four months of the season.”

Avery, at age 27 and in his prime, got under the skin of his opponents—drawing far more penalties than he took. He displayed never ending energy, hustle and grit—while proving that he also had plenty of speed, skill and scoring ability.

He kept himself in control (just enough) to be an extremely effective player without overly rocking the Rangers burgeoning boat along the way. And on top of all this, he played with an assortment of injuries that would have kept many a tough competitor out of the lineup.

Let’s face it, when the Rangers trashed the Thrashers in that four game playoff mercy killing, was there any Ranger more valuable than Avery? In addition to his offense output of 1 goal and 4 assists, Avery had the Thrashers top line so uncomfortably pestered that they looked as though they were skating in circles the entire series in search of insect repellent.

No doubt, Avery has become a player whose intangible value is almost immeasurable. And for the first time in his career, Avery has built a connection with the fans, his team and their city. They love Avery, and in turn, Avery loves playing for them. This nomad had finally found a home.

Now all of this is not to say that Avery wasn’t in need of an attitude adjustment when he first arrived with the Rangers—a procedure that quickly and somewhat surprisingly was deemed a success (much to the credit of Shanahan). However, as we’ve discussed, attitudes weren’t the only thing in Rangerland that needed adjusting.

Just like piano strings have to be tuned every once in awhile, I’d say that Sather’s purse strings (as well as his priorities) could have used a fine tuning before July 1—with some purse strings being far too loose while others being far too tight. Had Slats been tuned in time, Avery could have been rewarded for his outstanding efforts from last season, and the ugly events of the past week could have been avoided.

But even after the fiscal mistakes (detailed above) were in the rear view mirror, Sather could have driven the dangerous Avery (and all his personal baggage) to safety, if not for the second of his three mistakes. This glaring mistake was in not settling the matter before the arbitration hearing for the obvious $2 million compromise.

This is something that everybody with at least one marble rolling around in their head knew was going to happen anyway. The Blueshirt Bulletin summarizes its best in a post entitled: Why Bother?

Why didn’t both parties meet around the $2 million range, given that the numbers submitted at arbitration were $2.6 million by Avery and $1.3 million by Sather? Perhaps it was mutual stubbornness by two people with a history of having rather contrary dispositions.

Right now it is unclear if either side offered the $2 million compromise and other side refused. If Avery was the one to refuse, then most of the blame would point at him. However, Sather’s reputation for playing hardball with his RFA entrants make him the odds on favorite in this blame-game derby.

Still, despite these “comedy of errors”, the real damage had not yet been done. The third way this fiasco was avoidable would have been if Sather had used a more long-sighted, diplomatic approach throughout the arbitration process. Had he done so, Slats wouldn’t have pushed the volatile Avery into feelings of shock, resentment and disbelief.

The handling of Avery, both on the ice and in negotiations, is as delicate a task as handling Nitroglycerine. Done properly, and Avery becomes a powerful weapon capable of helping you win wars. Done carelessly, and Avery can blow up in your face.

I realize that Avery and Sather both signed the arbitrator’s $1.9 million peace offering and that both sides are now talking “nice-nice”. But Avery’s initial reaction to Sather’s overly harsh treatment of him during the arbitration process is proof that Slats had already dropped the Nitro, and the inevitable explosion will come next summer.

Ordinarily the story would end here because we all know what happened and why it happened … or do we? It turns out that up until now, we’ve only been presented with a partial picture of the events surrounding the arbitration process. However, brand new evidence from a strange, yet somewhat familiar, source will astound even the hardened hockey fan.

The source I speak of is now a part-time European scout for the Rangers. He is a Finnish man with a somewhat Czech-ered past, including a stint as an actor in both Finland and the Czech Republic. Having a hard time making ends meet, he once appeared in a Finnish porn film— getting a good “bang for the buck”.

This scout, who is extremely affable, has a magnetic personality—especially when it comes to beautiful women. He understands the English language quite well when heard or in writing, but he barely speaks a word of it. He is very popular with the Rangers brass when he comes to New York—not the least of which is because of his reputation for knowing how to find all the best European hotspots and parties in Manhattan.

So when he comes to town, it’s nothing for Ranger employees to “put him up” in their guest houses. Wait a minute…guest houses? It couldn’t be...could it? Remember, I said he was Finnish, so you know that we’re not talking about Kato. His name is actually Reijo—Reijo Raitinen.

According to Raitinen, Sather was very thorough in his preparation for the Avery arbitration hearing—gathering documentation on Avery’s entire career. Contrary to popular belief, Slats put together a fair, reasonable outline that effectively stated the Rangers case without being overly harsh to Avery. Sather intended to use the information contained in the outline to create a brief for the arbitration proceedings.

The night before the Rangers had to present the Avery brief to the arbitrator, Sather and a lower-level, but trusted, assistant were having coffee at local bistro. All of the Avery documentation was in Sather’s briefcase when Slats and his assistant went to the men’s room to answer nature’s cappuccino call.

Both men were standing at the urinals when Sather (with one hand holding his briefcase) used his other hand to loosen his own belt. It is at this time when Sather endured the executive embarrassment of eternity, which began when Slats’ slacks slipped (try saying that 3 times fast).
Then, while trying to grab his trousers, Sather’s hand hooked his Hanes—accidentally pulling them down. And when I say that Sather “dropped his briefs”, I mean that Sather really dropped his briefs—as the Avery documents came tumbling out of his briefcase and all over the grungy bathroom floor.

Bottomless, bewildered and berserk, Sather frantically put the papers back in the folders. However, in his haste Slats placed the papers from Avery’s “Pre-Rangers” folder into the “2007 Arbitration” folder and vice-versa.

Completely pressed for time now, Sather handed his “2007 Arbitration” folder to his assistant, who then couriered them to Cam Hope, the Rangers Assistant General Manger of Hockey Operations. Then against all hope, Cam wrote the final arbitration briefs from misplaced documents out of the wrong folder.

The Avery briefs presented to the arbitrator said (among other disparaging verbiage) that Avery was “a reasonably effective player as well as a detriment to the team”. This statement is absolutely true—from 1999 to February 4, 2006. Shortly after February 5, 2006 (the day he was traded to the Rangers) we all know that Avery was an extremely effective player who was a major asset to the team.

By the time of the arbitration date, July 30, the briefs had already been submitted to the arbitrator. Sather had since discovered the mistake, but it was too late—they had to proceed with what they had previously written. As Sather and Hope (soiled briefs and all) stormed into the hearing, they replaced Simpson detectives, Tom Lange and Philip Vannatter, as the latest version of “Dumb and Dumber”.

Of course, the ultimate irony in this fantastic farce is that it was never a case of premeditated mediation mangling (as commonly believed), instead it was a case of unplanned underwear undermining.

You may ask how did Reijo learn the details of the “Brew House Brief Bungling”? Apparently on the night of July 30, while “hanging” at the Rangers corporate offices, he heard three mysterious, loud thumps. Quite concerned, Reijo had a secretary call the police. After detectives investigated the incident, they discovered no signs of burglary or foul play. Instead, the sounds actually came from Sather himself, who had pounded his fist on desk three times in anger over the day’s events.

You may also ask how do I know Reijo? Well, it turns out that we have a mutual friend—
the girl he costarred with in that Finnish flesh flick. She and I have what you might call a...uh-hum...professional relationship.

How will all that transpired affect the Rangers in the short-term? Ironically, it could help them. With Avery playing like man possessed next year (trying to earn a big UFA payday) and the Rangers having a very strong team already, a little luck and some timely tinkering by the otherwise competent Sather could result in another ticker tape parade down the Canyon of Heroes next June.

Certainly, the Rangers are considered contenders for the Cup, but in all likelihood their chances of winning it are relatively low. As good as they are, the Rangers still have a number of holes to fill, and the very competitive nature of the NHL makes it difficult for any team to win it all.

As for the long-term consequences of the Avery affair, fear not, I have no doubt that one day the Rangers will again “Skate the Cup”. The only problem I have with this prediction is that of timing—given that the Rangers big day might well be the same day that O.J. and his posse of PIs make good on their 1994 promise and catch the “real killer”.

Which leads to my final word of warning to Ranger fans—don’t hold your collective breaths while waiting for the next Stanley Cup. With the “Avery Curse” soon to be hanging over the Rangers heads, this wait may “last a lifetime”.

DISCLAIMERS: Everything written after (and including) the paragraph that begins “Ordinarily the story would end here…” is completely fabricated—a figment of my “slightly-warped” imagination. To the best of my knowledge Slats' slacks never slipped, and every fan’s favorite Finnish house guest, Reijo Raitinen, does not actually exist—but it was sure fun partying with him!

Caught in His Own Duck Trap, Will Burke Lowe-r 'The Finger'?

They say “it’s lonely at the top”. This certainly seems to be the case for general manager Brian Burke of the defending Stanley Cup champion Anaheim Ducks, who appears to have gotten tangled up in a Duck trap of his own making.

Not knowing the status of returning/retiring stars Teemu Selanne and Scott Niedermayer, combined with tight salary cap numbers, the Ducks inadvertently left duckling Dustin Penner ripe for poachers. Enter Edmonton general manager Kevin Lowe, whose final bazooka shot in this year’s RFA hunting season is a bulls-eye aimed right at the beak of Penner.

Burke has publicly ripped into Lowe for what he calls “an act of desperation by a general manager who is fighting to keep his job." Burke’s beef seems to be more about the amount of the Oilers offer sheet to Penner (reportedly 5 years for $21.25 million), as opposed to the act of trying to snatch the young Duck from his Anaheim nest.

Burke complained that “this is the second time this year in my opinion Edmonton have offered a grossly inflated salary for a player, and it impacts on all 30 teams.”

It’s amazing to me how times have changed. In the past it was always the big market teams—led by the fiscally irresponsible Rangers—who were accused by small market teams, like Edmonton, of inflating player salaries by overpaying for talent.

Now, the new salary cap system creates the opportunity for a small market team—whose obscure northern location is as inviting to free agents as a bad case of Pneumonic Plague—to turn the system upside-down (or at least sideways) and grossly overpay for a player. In Penner’s case, we are taking about a player who has scored all of 45 points in his fledgling 82 game regular season career.

Regardless of which frozen pond (Edmonton’s or Anaheim’s) Penner ends up skating on for the next 5 years, there are two certainties: 1) he will be earning an average of over $4 million per year, and 2) his contract, inked in unchartered waters, will have a rippling effect on future RFA contract negotiations between NHL teams and their young, potential stars.

Burke isn’t tipping his hand on which way is leaning on this issue—other than to indicate that he must confer with ownership before making the call. No matter the outcome, this should certainly be an amusing week for all of us as the Thursday deadline approaches for the Ducks final decision.

Something tells me that, regardless of when Burke and the Ducks make up their minds, it’s going to go down to the final minutes. This is partially because the ordeal has gotten so personal between Burke and Lowe, that Burke has even ripped Lowe for the timing of his attempted heist. Burke said, "I thought Kevin would have called me and told me it was coming. I thought that was gutless…I think it's a classless move timing-wise.”

Brian, maybe it’s just me, but I never knew that there was a polite way to forcefully clip a Duck’s feathers. But it’s another thought that I have that really has me eagerly anticipating the Thursday Duck-Oiler shootout.

Given the bad blood that has developed between Burke and Lowe, I keeping wondering whether the “Dustin Duel” will end up like the infamous “Sakic Skirmish” of 1997, when the Rangers unsuccessfully attempted to pillage the cash-strapped Avalanche with a front-loaded RFA offer to Joe Sakic.

That week-long event climaxed with Colorado general manager Pierre LaCroix sending a last minute fax to the Rangers (just to stick it to the Rangers ownership), indicating that they had matched the offer sheet to Sakic.

As an appreciative gesture to the Rangers and Dave Checketts (MSG President) for further f__king up their financial affairs, Colorado owner Charlie Lyons sent to Checketts a copy of the legendary 1976 Nelson Rockefeller picture. In this famous photo, Rockefeller is seen “Giving the Finger” to a group of political hecklers in New York.

As D-Day approaches, we can only wonder whether Burke will handle his hardship with humility and class, or whether he will strike Kevin with a Lowe blow. Let’s all keep “The Fingers” crossed.

NHL Fans vs NJ Devils—Case Closed: THEY ARE A BORE!

I once went to a Devils game and a soccer game broke out (on a portable TV). And like every other non-Devils fan, I watched the soccer game.

What the hell was I supposed to do? I had (pitch) forked over in excess of $150 for my seat, food, parking, red and black paint remover, etc., and I felt that I was entitled to see some kind of action with at least some chance of watching a goal being scored. But as has been the case for far too long, the action and goals were not coming on the ice of a Devils game.

Ever since Jacques Lemaire took over as the Devils head coach before the 1993-1994 season and implemented the dreaded Neutral Zone Trap (“Trap”), the NHL fans have been subjected to visual inertia, while being vanquished to the spectator’s version of Hockey Hades.

So boring is it to watch the Devils play in this type of system that among the more stimulating descriptions of it have been: “like playing in seaweed”, “like playing in quicksand”, “like watching paint dry”, “like watching snails race”, “like watching competitive sleeping”, “like watching a Curling match on freeze-frame”, etc.

Alright, I admit to making up the last three descriptions, but over the past 13 years I’ve heard these kinds of descriptions spoken and written many times (including last season by Islanders coach Ted Nolan)—and clearly they all fit.

Although not considered the originator of the Trap, Lemaire is truly the “anti-Christ” of Hockey (no religious context intended) for continuing to have the Devils use the Trap without any regard to the devastatingly evil domino effect it has had on the sport.

Since the NHL is a copycat league and the Devils won the Stanley Cup in 1995, more and more teams started to implement this stifling strategy. And as league expansion continued with its watered down talent pool, the newer teams and less talented teams were forced to play the Trap in order to attempt to stay competitive.

This, of course, led to the unwatchable, mind-numbing, listless, lifeless shell of a sport that the NHL had deteriorated into—until the rule changes following the 2004-2005 lockout brought back much of the excitement.

Although Lemaire resigned as Devils’ head coach in 1998, his willing disciple, GM “Lucifer Lou” Lamoriello, has maintained the tedious Trap tradition ever since—regardless as to which of his subservient, revolving door of coaches happens to be in place at the time (including himself on several occasions). This includes the Trap itself, as well as the Devils subsequent variations (“its variations”) of equally lackluster defensive schemes, like the all too familiar: 60 Minute Sit Back & Counterattack.

Now, I’m not knocking good, sound defensive hockey in general, as there have been countless teams who have won Stanley Cups by being among the top 5 defense teams in the league—but have done so with a style of play that does not lull hockey fans into a cataleptic trance. Some fairly recent examples include: the 1997 & 2002 Detroit Redwings, the 2001 Colorado Avalanche, and the 1994 New York Rangers.

The biggest problem that I have with the Trap and its variations, aside from them being so desperately dull to watch, is that they are a deliberate attempt to circumvent the “spirit of the game”.

Hockey is supposed to be a game of speed, skill and physicality that maintains an enjoyable flow of action. The Trap and its variations, although technically legal strategies, greatly reduce speed and skill, and almost completely eliminates the flow of action—thus leading to the descriptions listed above in the second paragraph. The closest equivalent of it in basketball would be the Four Corners Offense—always a fan favorite.

I don’t believe that it is a stretch at all to say that the Trap and its variations circumvent the “spirit of the game” every bit as much as if a hockey team was to find a 6’10” person who weighed 1,000 lbs, then fitted this person in custom made goalie equipment (within legal specifications) and had them lay sideways on the ice—blocking the entire net.

With the proper dimensions and pain tolerance, such a person could conceivably eliminate the other team from scoring. To the best of my knowledge, there is no NHL rule regulating the height and weight of goalies. Therefore, this would be a completely legal way of circumventing the “spirit of the game” in order to prevent goals against—just like the Trap and its variations.

In fact, given the choice between watching the Devils play and watching a game involving this mythical Behemoth Backstop, my slightly-warped sense of humor would probably choose the Behemoth Backstop. Somehow the chance of seeing all that rubber bouncing off all that blubber would just be too good to pass up.

What is amazing to me is how stubborn Lucifer Lou is about continuing to have his Devil teams seemingly try to play the game in the most boring possible style allowed by the new, post-lockout rules. Unquestionably, the post-lockout Devils are not as drab as their pre-lockout counterparts—but it’s not from lack of trying.

The current Devils are still the highlight of humdrum hockey. It’s just that the post-lockout rules, which effectively eliminate the redline, have no tolerance for clutching, grabbing and interference. Instead, they reward speed and skill, and have made the Trap and its variations much less effective than they used to be.

Yes, the Devils have still managed to be one of the better teams over the past two years, but who are they trying to fool—they didn’t come close to winning the Stanley Cup, losing in the second round both times. In the 2006 playoffs Carolina crushed them in 5 games, and in 2007 Ottawa did the same.

In both years there were many teams who would have beaten the Devils in the playoffs, and ultimately the teams that won (Carolina and Anaheim) were not driven by dreary, defense-only ideologies.

On top of being in post-lockout system shock, the Devils have another another serious problem—Martin Brodeur. Despite his stellar regular season performance, Brodeur’s 2007 playoff performance in many games was utterly pathetic. It was like the famous 1994 Stephane Matteau goal caught in a time loop from the abyss—only instead of Matteau scoring from a horrendous angle, it was Lightening and Senator players repeatedly doing the honors.

So with an aging Brodeur, no Scott Stevens, no Scott Niedermayer, no longer having a superior set of prospects to use as replacement parts, and no way to use a rule-circumventing Trap or its variations to systematically shutdown the opposition, there will be no more of Lord Stanley’s Cups for Lucifer Lou’s Devils.

In fact, despite Devil fans still being in the nether world over the following point, there are very few hockey fans or hockey experts who believe the Devils would have won any Stanley Cups at all without their pre-lockout, rule-circumventing Trap system—even though they’ve had some outstanding players, such as Brodeur, Stevens, Niedermayer, etc.

Furthermore, a strong case can be made that the Devils use of the Trap and its variations not only padded all of Brodeur’s statistics over the years (wins, shutouts, GAA, save percentage, etc.), but had he been playing for another (defensively loose) team in a non-Traplike environment, he may have never had a Hall of Fame career. Although to give this “Devil his due”, he has clearly been an excellent goalie.

You would think that as “times are a changing” in the NHL, Lucifer Lou would realize that his Devil teams now have as much chance of winning the Stanley Cup as the aforementioned 1,000 lb Behemoth Backstop has of gracefully “tiptoeing through the tulips”. And as a result, he might actually make some adjustments and change their style of play. But from all indications there is still no end in sight.

But as much as Lemaire and Lucifer Lou are to blame for the Devils previous and continued use of the Trap and its variations, the other party to blame for keeping the rest of the NHL fans in perpetual hockey puck purgatory is Devil fans themselves. How the hell could all those people put up with this stagnant, stale ice act for all those years? And to think that they actually spend their hard earned money on it.

The truth is, unlike many hockey fans, I actually don’t blame them (or even knock them) for painting their faces red and black. Obviously, they need some kind of diversion from the frozen farce of a game that’s taking place on the ice. What I do blame them for is allowing it to go on for all this time.

If Devil fans had done what every other self-respecting hockey fan would have done long ago—which is to completely refuse to buy Devils tickets and completely refuse to watch their broadcasts, the economic reality would have forced the Devils organization to change their ways. Instead, the Devil fans’ willful compliance has allowed these hockey atrocities to continue.

It’s not as though there weren’t some signs of dissention, given that even during their Stanley Cup seasons, the Devils didn’t always sellout their home playoff games. In addition, their Stanley Cup celebrations of mere tens of thousands of fans in a parking lot were a pathetic parody of a more traditional victory bash.

These post-championship events more closely resembled a crowded, poorly decorated Christmas tree lot—which is hardly an appropriate setting for a satanic Stanley Cup shindig. In comparison, the Devils cross-river rivals, the New York Rangers, reveled in their triumphant 1994 ticker-tape parade through the Canyon of Heroes in front of millions of exuberant, confetti-throwing fans.

So obviously some Devil fans, though never publicly admitting it, knew that their team (even as Stanley Cup champions) was a joke. There were simply too few of them to display an abundance of displeasure, and the ones that did, just didn’t do so often enough. As to why Devil fans have so little motivation to force their team into playing a palatable style of hockey, and instead choose to keep deferring to a tasteless, zestless version—is anyone’s guess.

Personally, I believe that we must be dealing with a group of people whose favorite food is plain tofu, and whose favorite Marx brother is Zeppo. Perhaps their rather raunchy appearance is some form of holistic compensation for their arid tastes in seemingly every thing else—including hockey. This is just one theory, and perhaps a behavioral psychiatrist could shed more light on the subject.

As you all know, this is not merely my own one-man vendetta against the Devils monotonous methods. They’ve been getting flack from all angles for years. To some degree this must have been festering up for a long time inside of their entire organization, because in an unforgettable, almost surreal broadcast last season, the Devils announcers (Mike Emrick and Chico Resch) spent over one and a half periods discussing, debating and devilishly denying the long-standing charges that the Devils approach to hockey was boring.

Clearly, anyone who goes to that much effort and spends that much time to deny anything is making a feeble attempt to “defend the indefensible”. Remarkably at the end of all of this, Emrick made a pitiful, yet defiant, statement to the effect of: it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks, because Lamoriello is not going to change anything.

Wow, you really showed us, Mike! If Lucifer Lou won’t change anything, then the fans of the other 29 teams will be happy in the next few years to watch the rest of the league pass by the Devils and their outdated tactics.

And the funny thing is that no matter what Lucifer Lou thinks and says now, the Devils will eventually change because they will be forced to do so. After a few more years of showing that they cannot realistically win a Stanley Cup with their archaic antics, management and/or the fans will finally flex their muscles and send a message to Lucifer Lou (or whoever is the GM at the time) that enough is enough and it’s time to move out of the dark ages.

It has been said many times that “Hell is eternal”, but the Trap and its variations, which were conceived by mortal men, are not.

As a matter of fact, I could easily say that the only legacy Lucifer Lou will leave on the NHL (aside from nearly destroying it) is that he presided over a team who arguably won the three most meaningless Stanley Cups in history—because of a general, league-wide lack of excitement and interest.

However, I won’t say that. I’m withdrawing the word “arguably”, because anyone who plays Devils advocate and attempts to counter my arguments, would be fighting with little to no ammunition.

But perhaps looking back at what I’ve written here, I haven’t been completely fair to the Devils. I’ve only discussed their negative impact on the sport of hockey. What I’ve completely left out (up until now) is the profound effect they have had in the fields of scientific research, national defense and medicine.

Did you know that classical physicists, after watching some Devils games, actually developed several new theories on the principle of inertia? One of them centered around the long term effects on living organisms that have had chronic exposure to inertia (6 to 8 months depending upon how long the Devils season lasted—not included pre-season exposure).

Did you know that scientists have performed sensory deprivation experiments on subjects by immersing them in a small chamber (filled with silent video screens) that aired continuous footage of the 1995, 2000 and 2003 Stanley Cup Finals?

The results here were mixed. Although optical readings of the subjects showed virtually no activity, the overall effects of the monotony on the human brain resulted in extreme anxiety, hallucinations, bizarre thoughts, depression and antisocial behavior. These are all possible explanations for the Devil fans’ red and black face-painting ritual.

Even the United States and Canadian militaries have gotten into the act by testing exposure to Devils games as a means of enemy torture. After strapping their subjects to a chair and forcing their eyelids open (a la Clockwork Orange), the interrogators forced them to watch DVDs of Devils hockey.

Apparently, the interrogators even showed some mercy by occasionally switching the speed to fast forward. Unfortunately, however, this humanitarian act did not appear to have helped. Although military secrecy prevented any official report of the results, strong rumors exist that the subjects were frequently heard screaming: “No, No, No! Not another 4 shot, scoreless period! I can’t take it anymore! Please let me out! I’ll tell you anything that you want! Just please shut off that hockey game!”

Finally, where would our society be without the innovative pharmaceutical industry? While it can be said that pharmaceutical manufacturers “sell their soles to the Devil” in order for to make windfall profits each year, there is one Canadian pharmaceutical manufacturer who is actually combining “Devils Work” and cutting edge technology to create an innovative new medication.

The technology is known as Digital Elemental Transformation (DET), and actually involves taking the digital reading of a taped event and transforming it into its core elements. These elements are then processed into either liquid or powder form and are ultimately converted into tablets or capsules.

This pharmaceutical company, realizing the sedative effects of Devils hockey, decided to experiment by running Devils games through the DET process in hopes of creating a new form of sleeping pill. The initial formulation utilized an entire Devils game and was used in clinical trials on rink rats (instead of mice) and human volunteers.

The results were both tragic and astounding. 30% of the rats become comatose and never recovered, while their human counterparts were knocked out for an average of 72 to 96 hours—but fortunately did recover without any permanent damage.

Subsequent formulations have utilized only portions of the first period, in order to achieve the desired (human) effect of eight hours of sleep. Although the recent clinical trials using the latest formulation appear to be promising, it will probably be several years before this medication receives approval from the FDA and Health Canada’s TPD.

One irony in this matter is that Devil fans may be among the first consumers to receive prescriptions for the medication once it becomes available. Apparently Devil fans have an unusually high rate on onset insomnia in the months occurring between Fall and Spring. Research has shown that the onset insomnia is due to this group having too many nights, during these months, where they get abnormally excessive amounts of sleep between the hours of 7 PM and 10 PM—thus making it harder to fall asleep at their normal bedtimes.

In conclusion, Devil fans will undoubtedly (despite the overwhelming evidence contained within) still believe that this post was nothing more than “sour grapes” written by a Ranger fan, who is upset about the Devils winning 3 Stanley Cups and sweeping the Rangers in the 2006 playoffs.

This is simply not true. In case Devil fans have forgotten their arithmetic, the Rangers have won 4 Stanley Cups to the Devils 3, and hold an all-time 3 to 1 advantage over the Devils in head to head playoff series.

To further illustrate this point, consider the Rangers other hated, local rival—the New York Islanders. From 1981 to 1984, the Islanders beat the Rangers 4 years in a row in the playoffs (with 1984 ending in an overtime heartbreaker), while winning 4 consecutive Stanley Cups. Yet, as much as I hated (and still hate) the Islanders, I see no need to complain about or ridicule their style of play, either then or now.

The dynasty Islanders won with an exciting brand of hockey—the way hockey should be played. And as a much as I despised watching the Islanders win each year, I have to tip my hat to them for being the best team in the league. That is until they met the high-flying Edmonton Oilers in 1984.

Sorry Devil fans, that “sour grapes” argument just doesn’t “cut the mustard”. It is the final delusion in your desperate denial of what the NHL fans, the NHL media and the NHL franchises have been telling you for years—THEY ARE A BORE! And if you still can’t accept it and want to find something or someone else to pin this on, don’t blame me. THE DEVILS MADE ME DO IT!

From Russia with Love: Ruskees Root for Rangers

In a painfully, horribly translated Russian article*, only one thing is clear—the favorite NHL(NKHL) team of Russian “compatriots” is the New York Rangers.

Click below for link to article. Warning! English majors and linguistic purists should keep some aspirin near their mouse before clicking.

Link to Russian article:

Second Warning! Do not attempt to use your spell checking and grammar correction tools on above article, as previous attempts to do so have generally resulted in software crashes and hardware failure. I hope that this second warning wasn’t too late.

Now back to proper English. The Russians’ top ten NHL teams in order of preference are:

"Rangers"
"Detroit"
"Montreal"
"Colorado"
"Ottawa"
"Chicago"
"Philadelphia"
"Atlanta"
"Pittsburgh"
"Toronto"

In trying to understand exactly why Russians feel a bond (shaken, not stirred) with the Rangers, three reasons come to mind.

1) Brighton Beach, home of the largest Russian community outside of the motherland, is located in New York City.

2) Alexei Kovalev, Alexander Karpovtsev, Sergei Nemchinov, and Sergei Zubov, who were the first Russian players to have their names engraved on the Stanley Cup, did so while members of the 1993-1994 New York Rangers.

3) The Rangers were the team who selected (with the 17th pick) the highly touted Russian, Alexei Cherepanov, in this year’s entry draft—finally stopping his freefall from one of the top five prospects in the draft (as ranked by many scouting organizations).

In fact, none of these answers are correct, and as is often the case, we have to dig a little deeper to find the real reason.

The answer lies in one of the best kept secrets in the hockey world—Yuri Snirakov. Mr. Snirakov, a mathematical genius and devout connoisseur/consumer of Russia’s favorite inebriating brew (vodka), has been employed by the New York Rangers for the past two years as their head salary cap strategist.

As it turns out, Snirakov moonlights as one of the United States’ largest importers of Russian vodka, and it is speculated that many of the recently built hockey arenas in Russia were partially funded by proceeds from Snirakov’s vodka sales.

Always the loyal employee and diplomat, Snirakov keeps a bountiful amount of the “White Stuff” continuously free-flowing throughout the Rangers upper management—all the way to the Salary Cap Compliance Division at the nearby NHL headquarters in New York.

Click below to see directions from Madison Square Garden to the NHL headquarters in New York – a.k.a. “the Vodka Pipeline”.

Link to map and directions:

Let’s face it—how else could the Rangers:

1. Sign the two most expensive UFAs in this year’s pool,
2. Re-sign all of their own key free agents, both restricted and unrestricted, to substantial salary increases,
3. Retain all of their key players** under contract (including “yaromira Of yagra” who will make over $8.3 million this season), and still manage to keep anyone from their own organization or NHL headquarters from questioning whether they’ve exceeded the upper salary cap limit?

*First discovered original Russian article on Blueshirt Bulletin.
**I'm not counting former third liner, Matt Cullen, as a key player.

DISCLAIMERS:
Yuri Snirakov is a fictional character—a figment of my slightly warped mind. To the best of my knowledge, there is no one by that name employed by the New York Rangers. Any resemblance or similarity of Yuri Snirakov to any person (fictional or real) who is either living or deceased; or any resemblance or similarity of Yuri Snirakov to any business, organization, or other entity (fictional or real) is strictly coincidental.

I have no knowledge or evidence that the New York Rangers management has used any illicit means to garner favors from the National Hockey League. I have no knowledge or evidence that any form of alcoholic beverage has ever been exchanged between (or even consumed by) any one associated with the New York Rangers and the National Hockey League. For all I know, everyone associated with both organizations might be teetotalers.

I have no knowledge or evidence of a division actually named “Salary Cap Compliance Division” at any National Hockey League headquarters anywhere in the world. Therefore, in order to determine for yourselves how the Rangers keep managing to mysteriously stay under the upper cap limit, I suggest that you hire your own private investigators, contractual attorneys and mathematicians. On the other hand, perhaps some mysteries are best left unsolved.

For all of our Russian “compatriot” readers who are offended by this blog, because it contains content that can be construed as “Russian Stereotyping”, I do apologize. If it helps, my ancestry is partially Russian, and I don’t consume vodka or any other form of alcoholic beverage—although I am good at math.

Finally, for all of our Russian “compatriot” readers who are either a) not offended by any “Russian Stereotyping” contained in this blog, or b) don’t care about the “Russian Stereotyping” and are just looking to get “sloshed”, I understand that Mr. Snirakov is quite generous in dispensing the “Monopolka” to his fellow countrymen.

However, since I’ve already admitted that Yuri Snirakov doesn’t actually exist, your chance of scoring a couple pints from him is relatively low—if not impossible. Try your local pub or liquor store.

Souray Sweepstakes: We All Missed the Obvious

For the past few weeks the Sheldon Souray Sweepstakes has intrigued everyone. Speculation has centered mostly around the Kings, Sharks, Ducks, Devils, Rangers, etc. But this stallion (offensively at least) went to a "dark horse" candidate—the Oilers.

One could argue that Souray being an Alberta native, combined with Kevin's Lowe's ability and need to spend big bucks to land a thoroughbred UFA, would have made the Oilers one of the favorites all along.

Those issues were probably a factor, but the most important element and main reason why Souray will be doing his skating (and shooting) in Edmonton this year is because he is not living with his wife.

Since Angelica Bridges is a Los Angeles based actress, there is currently no Mrs. Souray accompanying him—telling him to choose between her and the City of Edmonton. Where Kevin Lowe failed with Mrs. Pronger and Mrs. Nylander, he never had to worry about with Souray. Although we all should have known this, we never saw it coming.

In fact, as an offshoot of the Souray situation, Kevin Lowe may have brilliantly hatched an effective new strategy: target the most talented, maritally non-attached free agents in the NHL. He could further enhance this strategy by turning Edmonton into a singles haven. Don't be surprised if the next contracts he signs are with Hooters or Playboy Enterprises, before resuming his pursuit of elite hockey talent.

Let's not underestimate Kevin Lowe again. He's a great competitor, who may have just learned how to turn a liability into an asset.

Cullen to Canes Challenge—Prove That I Didn't Nail It First!

Maybe it’s a case of petty-pomposity, or maybe I just have nothing better to do with my time. But my July 9 blog was the first written occurrence in the hockey world to speculate on the Rangers trading Cullen back to Carolina.

Click Here to See the First Written Mention of This Trade:

It wasn’t a case of sudden, brilliant prognosticating. Instead it was a simple case of putting 2 and 2 together (No I’m not cloning Brian Leetch, bringing them out of retirement and pairing them with each other).

It was reported that Carolina was looking for a third line center, and with the Rangers tight to the cap and having recently acquired Gomez and Drury, Cullen’s expendability and recent history with the Canes seemed to make this one obvious. Within a couple of days of July 9, this trade was being speculated everywhere. But on July 9, it was only “moi”.

The Challenge: If anyone can produce concrete evidence that this trade was publicly mentioned in writing before my post on July 9 at 4:06 PM Eastern Time, then I will owe you a bag of pucks.

Not much I admit, but I’m just an unpaid, volunteer blog writer. If by some miracle you do win this challenge, hit up Matt Cullen and his $2.8 million a year contract for a grander prize. Besides, humiliating the Hockey Humorist in public should be reward enough for any of you.

Ranger Tradewinds: A Hurricane or a Bunch of Hot Air?

On another slow news day for the Rangers, I offer up this speculative tidbit. With Carolina reportedly seeking a third line center and former Hurricane, Matt Cullen, one of the three most likely Rangers to be traded (along with Marek Malik and Paul Mara) in order to free up cap space, could Cullen be headed back to Carolina?

There are no specific rumors out there (other than this one) regarding this potential trade, but depending upon the priorities of GMs Glen Sather and Jim Rutherford (who apparently is shopping a defenseman to acquire the center), it could make sense for both of them.

Sam Weinman, the Rangers beat reporter for The Journal News, expects the Rangers “to close in on something fairly soon”. However, it remains anyone’s guess as to which one of the known “somethings” is closed first.