"Shooting From Angles Not Covered By Any Other Blogs"

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

From Russia with Love: Ruskees Root for Rangers

In a painfully, horribly translated Russian article*, only one thing is clear—the favorite NHL(NKHL) team of Russian “compatriots” is the New York Rangers.

Click below for link to article. Warning! English majors and linguistic purists should keep some aspirin near their mouse before clicking.

Link to Russian article:

Second Warning! Do not attempt to use your spell checking and grammar correction tools on above article, as previous attempts to do so have generally resulted in software crashes and hardware failure. I hope that this second warning wasn’t too late.

Now back to proper English. The Russians’ top ten NHL teams in order of preference are:

"Rangers"
"Detroit"
"Montreal"
"Colorado"
"Ottawa"
"Chicago"
"Philadelphia"
"Atlanta"
"Pittsburgh"
"Toronto"

In trying to understand exactly why Russians feel a bond (shaken, not stirred) with the Rangers, three reasons come to mind.

1) Brighton Beach, home of the largest Russian community outside of the motherland, is located in New York City.

2) Alexei Kovalev, Alexander Karpovtsev, Sergei Nemchinov, and Sergei Zubov, who were the first Russian players to have their names engraved on the Stanley Cup, did so while members of the 1993-1994 New York Rangers.

3) The Rangers were the team who selected (with the 17th pick) the highly touted Russian, Alexei Cherepanov, in this year’s entry draft—finally stopping his freefall from one of the top five prospects in the draft (as ranked by many scouting organizations).

In fact, none of these answers are correct, and as is often the case, we have to dig a little deeper to find the real reason.

The answer lies in one of the best kept secrets in the hockey world—Yuri Snirakov. Mr. Snirakov, a mathematical genius and devout connoisseur/consumer of Russia’s favorite inebriating brew (vodka), has been employed by the New York Rangers for the past two years as their head salary cap strategist.
As it turns out, Snirakov moonlights as one of the United States’ largest importers of Russian vodka, and it is speculated that many of the recently built hockey arenas in Russia were partially funded by proceeds from Snirakov’s vodka sales.
Always the loyal employee and diplomat, Snirakov keeps a bountiful amount of the “White Stuff” continuously free-flowing throughout the Rangers upper management—all the way to the Salary Cap Compliance Division at the nearby NHL headquarters in New York.

Click below to see directions from Madison Square Garden to the NHL headquarters in New York – a.k.a. “the Vodka Pipeline”.

Link to map and directions:

Let’s face it—how else could the Rangers:
  1. Sign the two most expensive UFAs in this year’s pool,
  2. Re-sign all of their own key free agents, both restricted and unrestricted, to substantial salary increases,
  3. Retain all of their key players** under contract (including “yaromira Of yagra” who will make over $8.3 million this season), and still manage to keep anyone from their own organization or NHL headquarters from questioning whether they’ve exceeded the upper salary cap limit?
*First discovered original Russian article on Blueshirt Bulletin.
**I'm not counting former third liner, Matt Cullen, as a key player.

DISCLAIMERS:
Yuri Snirakov is a fictional character—a figment of my slightly warped mind. To the best of my knowledge, there is no one by that name employed by the New York Rangers. Any resemblance or similarity of Yuri Snirakov to any person (fictional or real) who is either living or deceased; or any resemblance or similarity of Yuri Snirakov to any business, organization, or other entity (fictional or real) is strictly coincidental.

I have no knowledge or evidence that the New York Rangers management has used any illicit means to garner favors from the National Hockey League. I have no knowledge or evidence that any form of alcoholic beverage has ever been exchanged between (or even consumed by) any one associated with the New York Rangers and the National Hockey League. For all I know, everyone associated with both organizations might be teetotalers.

I have no knowledge or evidence of a division actually named “Salary Cap Compliance Division” at any National Hockey League headquarters anywhere in the world. Therefore, in order to determine for yourselves how the Rangers keep managing to mysteriously stay under the upper cap limit, I suggest that you hire your own private investigators, contractual attorneys and mathematicians. On the other hand, perhaps some mysteries are best left unsolved.

For all of our Russian “compatriot” readers who are offended by this blog, because it contains content that can be construed as “Russian Stereotyping”, I do apologize. If it helps, my ancestry is partially Russian, and I don’t consume vodka or any other form of alcoholic beverage—although I am good at math.

Finally, for all of our Russian “compatriot” readers who are either a) not offended by any “Russian Stereotyping” contained in this blog, or b) don’t care about the “Russian Stereotyping” and are just looking to get “sloshed”, I understand that Mr. Snirakov is quite generous in dispensing the “Monopolka” to his fellow countrymen.
However, since I’ve already admitted that Yuri Snirakov doesn’t actually exist, your chance of scoring a couple pints from him is relatively low—if not impossible. Try your local pub or liquor store.

7 comments:

TrueBlue1994 said...

This is the most fricking hilarous thing I've ever read. Where did you find that article? Keep it up and I'll keep tuning it!!!!!!!

Alex said...

Thanks!

I originally found it as a link on a blog from the Blueshirt Bulletin.

Kyle C. said...

Humorist, you had me going there for awhile until I realized that Russian guy was a figment of your "slightly warped" imagination.

Very cleaver. Nice post.

blueshirt blogger said...

Another nice shot, Humorist. I'm realising you have a writing style thats totally unique

You got me hooked (2 minutes). But to read one of your posts it would take a 10 minute misconduct. however if your posts were reading material in NHL penalty boxes, their would be more intentional penalties taken.

I think we each scored one here.

Blue Patrol said...

Another game winner for the Humorist. I liked the Devils post more but this one was really good too.

Sergei said...

As englis is my second langage, was harder for me in detection of pore translated artikle.

Funny storey after is enjoyed by all countrie men.

Rangers are favorite in my countrie as Vodka is. Impresed you hear of Monopolka as most amerikans don’t hear of this nikname of Vodka.

Good job. Mr. HUmorist.

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